by Nicola de Vera
Dearest Amelia,
I can’t believe this day has finally come. You look beautiful. You always have.
I remember the first time I saw you. Shit. Well, this is inconvenient, I thought. You were the prettiest girl I had ever seen; I was mesmerized by you from the very beginning that I had found you to be a distraction—a liability—to my productivity. But then you approached me and introduced yourself with such radiance that I was sure my heart beat faster than normal. Soon after, we were paired together for a dumb work assignment that had us going around the office to interview people from different departments. I don’t remember the interviews; I only remember our small talks and snickers and knowing smiles in between. Like a jolt of electricity, it was an instant, unmistakable connection reverberating through my body. I know you felt that spark too. How could you not?
By the end of that first day, I had only one thing on my mind: Who are you and where have you been all my life?
I remember the mornings you’d do these tiny knocks on my glass window with an accompanying wink—your flirtatious way of making your presence felt when it was just the two of us early birds in the office. I remember the evenings we stayed late supposedly to work, but ended up commiserating about our jobs and beaming about shared interests, goals, dreams (and yes, your dogs) for hours.
I remember being stuck in traffic several times in your obnoxiously bright green car, where we exchanged stories about travel adventures, shared our love for sushi and the open sea, and danced to whatever song played next on your playlist.
I remember both of us recovering from a drunken night at the beachfront, in each other’s company, endlessly talking about everything again. And as we walked back to our shared bedroom, I remember wanting to kiss you so badly, and my plan to blame it on the alcohol if it backfired. Thankfully, my rational mind won that night, preventing a lapse of judgment that could have jeopardized our friendship.
I remember the many times I patiently listened to you about your boy troubles, torturing me on the inside, yet I doled out relationship advice to help make it work, if only to steer you more toward the direction of happiness.
I never saw you coming. In a period of my life where I had intentionally put on blinders, you came into my life like a curveball—unexpected, precise, and goddamn powerful.
You made me realize that I can be my authentic self and not put on a show to find true connection. You made me believe that it is possible to fall in love, hard, in such a short period of time. You made me genuinely happy, despite the non-ideal circumstances we both were in.
Our energies coalesced that the chemistry was effortlessly undeniable, as if I had known you—not for weeks but for decades. However, in this lifetime, the physics did not make sense. Opposite charges must attract; like charges must repel. But we were two similar poles drawn to each other by sheer magnetic force. We were an anomaly that could not exist—a beautiful and devastating phenomenon. So in this world, I vow to keep my distance and support your happiness and marriage to him from afar.
In a parallel universe, I imagine the physics does not matter—only chemistry. Two women can fall in love and build a life together. Traditional societal norms and expectations go out the window. In that world, I vow to hold you close on your best and worst days. I vow to give you the time and space to pursue your passions and fully grow into yourself. I vow to take your hand when you pull me in to dance and to sit in silence to read our favorite books on a quiet day. I vow to do life with you—because the heart-wrenching alternative in our existing universe is the lesser option and one that I prefer not to live again in another lifetime.
All my love, in all lifetimes,
Veronica
Nicola de Vera (she/her) is a queer writer born and raised in Manila, Philippines. She now lives in Los Angeles, trading one city of tropics & traffic jams for another. She holds a BA in Communication from Ateneo de Manila University and an MBA from Cornell University. When off from her full-time job in product management, she reads, writes, and cheers for Angel City FC.