by Benjamin Macnair
COMPETITIVE SLEEP
TONY – Older man, slightly withdrawn, a nasal voice.
WAYNE – Younger, more enthusiastic.
Int – Television studio
They are sat in a booth, a microphone between them, giving a commentary on two people in separate beds, sleeping, inside a boxing ring.
TONY
Welcome back, you join us in the seventh hour of yet another scintillating evening of fun and entertainment.
WAYNE
Yes, that’s right, the exciting world of competitive sleeping. We often find, that in any eight hour competition, the seventh is the most exciting one.
TONY
Yes, that’s right Wayne.
WAYNE
Any moment, a movement.
TONY
A foot moves.
WAYNE
A slight yawn.
TONY
An arm falls out of the bed.
WAYNE
Still attached to the body Tony?
TONY
Yes Wayne, still attached to the body. This is competitive sleeping. It is not a horror film.
WAYNE
Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.
TONY
I know what you mean Wayne.
WAYNE
That’s good. Sometimes I watch competitive sleeping, and I think it is something I would have loved to have done myself.
TONY
Why didn’t you?
WAYNE
It never seemed to be an option at school.
TONY
There is such a wide range of career options for people these days.
WAYNE
I wouldn’t know about that type of thing.
TONY
You must do. A young up and coming chap like you. You must have your finger on the pulse these days. So what else would you like to have done, if you weren’t a professional sports commentator?
WAYNE
A paper-clip salesman.
TONY
Sounds a bit specialised.
WAYNE
Yes, it was. Do you know how many types of paper-clip there are?
TONY
No.
WAYNE
Good. Keep it that way.
TONY
Anyway, this is the final. The big time. We have sat through fifty of these, 100 sleepers, doing it for the sake of the sport. There is no sponsorship, but they practice, day in, day out, night in, night out, squeezing in hours of sleep around a busy life.
WAYNE
Yes, but it seems like this is a sport that most people could do.
TONY
You would have thought that, but you would be wrong.
WAYNE
Really, how?
TONY
Well, anyone can go out and buy a tennis racket, but not everyone can become a Roger Federer, Tim Henman or Andy Murray.
WAYNE
So, what is the difference between a non-competitive sleeper and a competitive one?
TONY
Practice, and dedication, Wayne.
WAYNE
But how do you know if you have that dedication?
TONY
You don’t, but you have to practice.
WAYNE
How much practice?
TONY
Well, the average person will sleep for eight hours a day, but a good competitive sleeper will put in a good ten or twelve hours a day.
WAYNE
OK, so how does that work? It must get in the way of a career and other responsibilities.
TONY
Well, the lucky ones can get sponsorship, like the two people here tonight.
WAYNE
And the unlucky ones?
TONY
They just have dreams that are never fulfilled.
WAYNE
A bit like us.
TONY
Yes, just like us.
WAYNE
What were your dreams Tony?
TONY
I wanted to become a pop-star, or a politician.
WAYNE
What stopped you?
TONY
Charisma.
WAYNE
That doesn’t sound like a proper reason to me, Tony.
TONY
No, it is. I had too little charisma to become a Pop Star, and too much to become a politician.
WAYNE
Talking of politicians, wasn’t Jacob Rees Mogg in training once?
TONY
No, he just fell asleep at his workplace.
WAYNE
We’ve all done that. I know that I have.
TONY
We get paid to watch other people sleep, it is not surprising that people fall asleep doing this.
WAYNE
I was a live television presenter at the time.
TONY
Oh, that’s no good.
WAYNE
And it was one of those channels that people watched.
TONY
OK. don’t rub it in. We both know that only Insomniac’s are watching us right now.
WAYNE
Somewhat ironically.
TONY
What?
WAYNE
Well it is kind of strange that people who can’t get to sleep are the only ones who would be watching competitive sleepers at work.
TONY
Sorry, I just didn’t think that you would know about irony.
WAYNE
Showing up the older one on the Television am I?
TONY
No, not at all.
WAYNE
Well I am sorry if I surprised you Daddio.
TONY
No, you didn’t. Don’t worry about it.
WAYNE
I wasn’t planning to worry about it, but thanks for giving me explicit permission not to.
TONY
Well, there’s no need to be like that.
WAYNE
Like what?
TONY
What was that?
WAYNE
I didn’t say anything.
TONY
No, I meant in the ring.
WAYNE
Did someone move, and we missed it?
TONY
Well McWhirter and Jones seem to be dead to the world to me. It may just have been my imagination then.
WAYNE
I got a bit excited there, a bit flustered.
TONY
It will soon pass.
WAYNE
Well, if you have just joined us at the World Competitive Sleeping Finals, we are just over the seven hour mark, with many more hours still to go.
TONY
And so much more airtime to fill.
WAYNE
It is at times like this when we have to remember just how professional so many of our live broadcasters are, isn’t it, Tony?
TONY
Indeed it is Wayne, and sometimes they don’t even have as lively a production team as ours do they.
WAYNE
No, they don’t have anyone like Dave the Dart or Harry the Haddock.
TONY
Why are they called that?
WAYNE
Well, don’t tell them this, but it is because Dave plays Darts, and Harry likes fishing.
TONY
I didn’t know Harry liked fishing.
WAYNE
You didn’t?
TONY
No, I thought it was because of his surname.
WAYNE
Which is?
TONY
Gill.
WAYNE
OK, makes sense, I suppose.
TONY
Luckily it is not for the way he smells.
WAYNE
No, that would be a small scale problem.
TONY
What?
WAYNE
It would put him in his plaice.
TONY
What?
WAYNE
Fish Puns.
TONY
OK, you need a third though. Power of three in comedy writing and all of that.
WAYNE
You do know that this isn’t an audition, don’t you?
TONY
You never know who might be watching.
WAYNE
No one is ever watching. You said that yourself.
TONY
You are right. Of course you are right. Who are we kidding? We are doing nothing here, just wasting our lives and our time. If we had any self-respect we would ask for a pay-rise.
WAYNE
A pay-rise? You mean you haven’t had one?
TONY
No, did you?
WAYNE
God, yes. Fifteen percent and my own parking space, and I don’t even drive.
TONY
The parking space would have been useful for me.
WAYNE
And the pay-rise.
TONY
God, we have been stitched up. Have you got your agents number? Sounds like I could do with their help.
WAYNE
Agent? I don’t have an agent.
TONY
You don’t have an agent?
WAYNE
Well, I did, but not any more. The way I see it is why should I give ten percent of my money to someone, when I could do the same job, and then keep that money for myself.
TONY
OK, so how did you get the pay rise, and the parking space?
WAYNE
I just asked. It was quite simple really.
TONY
You just asked?
WAYNE
Yes, should I not have done that? A good agent would have done it for me.
TONY
Yes, I know, but still, the money men don’t work with the talent like that, not usually anyway.
WAYNE
Oh come of it, we are not the talent. We are the nobodies that commentate on the sports no-one cares about because the people don’t need training, charisma and it is something most of us can do.
TONY
Like Darts then?
WAYNE
No, people have to make sacrifices to get good at Darts. They have to spend hours in the pub, and if they are successful they end up looking twice as old as they actually are.
TONY
Anyway, for anyone just joining us, we are still in the seventh hour of the world competitive sleep final, and there is still no sign of an outright winner.
WAYNE
Yes, Shane McWhirter who first spotted his talent for Competitive Sleeping when he fell asleep at a Chris De Burgh gig, and Mavis Jones who first discovered her talents at a Led Zeppelin Tribute act. She had been asleep in the queue for half an hour before anyone else realised.
TONY
Wow, that really is hardcore competitive sleeping.
WAYNE
Who is Chris De Burgh though?
TONY
You don’t want to know.
WAYNE
OK, I will take your word for it……Wow, what is that, is that an arm-being raised? Is one of them moving?
TONY
And on it goes. On and on and on and on and on and on.
WAYNE
It must be time for a break soon, surely?
TONY
Sadly, no this is on the BBC.
WAYNE
Really?
TONY
Well, this was the next best thing they had after Big Brother went to Channel Five, or wherever it was. That was the show that made watching people sleep really popular.
WAYNE
God, now I know why Davina always asked people not to swear. Sometimes, the temptation is too much, isn’t it?
TONY
It certainly is Wayne. It certainly is.
END.
Ben Macnair is an award-winning poet and playwright from Staffordshire in the United Kingdom. Follow him on Twitter @benmacnair.